"Presidential" words of wisdom

Sometimes, when I look at my children, I say to myself, 'Lillian, you should have remained a virgin.' - Lillian Carter (mother of Jimmy Carter)

Never kick a fresh turd on a hot day. - Harry S. Truman

Telling it like it is ...

Test for dementia

Below are four questions and a bonus question. You have to answer them instantly. You can't take your time, answer all of them immediately .

First Question:
You are participating in a race. You overtake the second person.

What position are you in?

Answer: If you answered that you are first, then you are absolutely wrong! If you overtake the second person and you take his place, you are second!

Try not to screw up next time.

Now answer the second question, but don't take as much time as you took for the first question, OK ?

Second Question:

If you overtake the last person, then you are...?

Answer: If you answered that you are second to last, then you are wrong again. Tell me, how can you overtake the LAST person?

You're not very good at this, are you?

Third Question:
Very tricky arithmetic! Note: This must be done in your head only .

Do NOT use paper and pencil or a calculator. Try it.

Take 1000 and add 40 to it.

Now add another 1000 .

Now add 30.

Add another 1000 . Now add 20.

Now add another 1000.

Now add 10.

What is the total?

Answer: Did you get 5000?

The correct answer is actually 4100.

If you don't believe it, check it with a calculator!

Today is definitely not your day, is it?

Maybe you'll get the last question right.... Maybe.

Fourth Question:

Mary's father has five daughters: 1. Nana, 2. Nene, 3. Nini, 4. Nono. What is the name of the fifth daughter?

Answer: Did you Answer Nunu?

NO! Of course it isn't.

Her name is Mary. Read the question again!

Okay, now the bonus round:

A mute person goes into a shop and wants to buy a toothbrush. By imitating the action of brushing his teeth he successfully expresses himself to the shopkeeper and the purchase is done.

Next, a blind man comes into the shop who wants to buy a pair of sunglasses; how does HE indicate what he wants?

He just has to open his mouth and ask...

It's really very simple...

Heard in court ...

A man is in court for murder and the judge says, ''You are charged with beating your wife to death with a hammer.''

Then a voice at the back of the court says, ''You bastard.''

The judge continues, ''You are also charged with beating your daughter to death with a hammer.''

Again the voice at the back of the court says, ''You bastard.''

The judge says, ''Now, we cannot have any more of these outbursts from you or I shall charge you with contempt! What is the problem?''

The man at the back of the court says, ''Fifteen years I lived next door to that bastard and every time I asked to borrow a hammer he said he never had one!''

Call me ....

What midlife crisis??

This is for GIRLS ONLY!!! No one else will understand......

I've seen two shows lately that went on and on about how mid-life is a great time for women. Just last week Tricia had a whole show on how great menopause will be....

Pleeeeeeeze!

I've had a few thoughts of my own and would like to share them with you. Whether you are pushing 30, 40, 50, 60 (or maybe even just pushing your luck) you'll probably relate.

Mid-life is when the growth of hair on our legs slows down. This gives us plenty of time to care for our newly acquired moustache.

In mid-life women no longer have upper arms, we have wingspans. We are no longer women in sleeveless shirts; we are flying squirrels in drag.

Mid-life is when you can stand naked in front of a mirror and you can see your rear without turning around.

Mid-life is when you go for a mammogram and you realize that this is the only time someone will ask you to appear topless.

Mid-life is when you want to grab every firm young lovely in a tube top and scream, "Listen honey, even the Roman empire fell and those will too."

Mid-life brings wisdom to know that life throws us curves and we're sitting on our biggest ones.

Mid-life is when you look at your-know-it-all, mobile-wearing teenager and think: "For this I have stretch marks?"

In mid-life your memory starts to go. In fact the only thing we can retain is water.

Mid-life means that your legs have more red and blue lines than an accurately scaled map of Birmingham

Mid-life means that you become more reflective... You start pondering the "big" questions. What is life? Why am I here? How much Healthy Choice ice cream can I eat before it's no longer a healthy choice?

But mid-life also brings with it an appreciation for what is important.
We realize that breasts sag, hips expand and chins double, but our loved ones make the journey worthwhile. Would any of you trade the knowledge that you have now for the body you had way back when?
Maybe our bodies simply have to expand to hold all the wisdom and love we've acquired.

That's my philosophy and I'm sticking to it!

The sign says it all ...

You know you are getting old when ....

..... it takes longer to rest than to get tired

..... your clothes go in the overnight bag so you can fill the suitcase with your pills

..... your knees buckle, but your belt won't

..... you don't care where your spouse goes, as long as you don't have to go with!!

No wonder ....

Time to hang up the thong ...

"My wild oats have turned to shredded wheat."

"Seen it all, done it all, can't remember most of it."

"Don't worry about avoiding temptation - as you grow older, it will avoid you."

"By the time a man is wise enough to watch his step, he's too old to go anywhere."

"It's hard to be nostalgic when you can't remember anything.

Yo Momma

Your Momma's so old
She knew the Dead Sea
When it was just sick!

Afrikaans/English computer dictionary

Monitor - Keeping an eye on the braai
Download - Get the firewood off the bakkie
Hard drive - Trip back home without any cold beer
Keyboard - Where you hang the bakkie and bike keys
Window - What you shut when it's cold
Screen - What you shut in the mosquito season
Byte - What mosquitoes do
Bit - What mosquitoes did
Mega Byte - What mosquitoes at the lake do
Chip - A bar snack
Micro Chip - What's left in the bag after you have eaten the chips
Modem - What you did to the lawns
Dot Matrix - Oom Jan Matrix's wife
Laptop - Where the cat sleeps
Software - Plastic knives and forks you get at KFC
Hardware - Real stainless steel knives and forks from Checkers
Mouse - What eats the grain in the shed
Mainframe - What holds the shed up
Web - What spiders make
Web Site - The shed
Cursor - The old bloke what swears a lot
Search Engine - What you do when the bakkie won't go
Yahoo - What you say when the bakkie does go
Upgrade - A steep hill
Server - The person at the pub what brings out the lunch
Mail Server - The bloke at the pub what brings out the lunch
User - The neighbour what keeps borrowing things
Network - When you have to repair your fishing net
Internet - Complicated fish net repair method
Netscape - When fish get out of the net
Online - When you get the laundry hung out
Off Line - When the pegs don't hold the washing up

Think before you speak ...

(Maybe this blog should be called "I'm glad I DIDN'T say that")

FIRST CASE : I walked into a hair salon with my husband and three kids in tow and asked loudly, "How much do you charge for a shampoo and a blow job?" I turned around and walked back out and never went back.

SECOND CASE : I was at the golf store comparing different kinds of golf balls. I was unhappy with the women's type I had been using. After browsing for several minutes, I was approached by one of the good-looking gentlemen who work at the store. He asked if he could help me. Without thinking, I looked at him and said, "I think I like playing with men's balls."

THIRD CASE : My sister and I were at the mall and passed by a store that sold a variety of candy and nuts. As we were looking at the display case, the boy behind the counter asked if we needed any help. I replied, "No, I'm just looking at your nuts."

FOURTH CASE : While in line at the bank one afternoon, my toddler decided to release some pent-up energy and ran amok. I told her that if she did not start behaving "right now" she would be punished. To my horror, she looked me in the eye and said in a voice just as threatening, "If you don't let me go right now, I will tell Grandma that I saw you kissing Daddy's pee-pee last night!" The silence was deafening after this enlightening exchange. Even the tellers stopped what they were doing.I mustered up the last of my dignity and walked out of the bank with my daughter in tow.The last thing I heard when the door closed behind me, were screams of laughter.

FIFTH CASE : This had most of the state of Michigan laughing for 2 days and a very embarrassed female news anchor who will, in the future, likely think before she speaks. What happens when you predict snow but don't get any! We had a female news anchor that, the day after it was supposed to have snowed and didn't, turned to the weatherman and asked: "So Bob, where's that 8 inches you promised me last night?"