Mmmm...?

A super calloused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis

Revenge ....

My friend wanted a boat more than anything. His wife kept refusing, but he bought one anyway. "I'll tell you what," he told her. "In the spirit of compromise, why don't you name the boat?"
Being a good sport, she accepted. When her husband went to the dock for his maiden voyage, this is the name he saw painted on the side: "For Sale."

Ode to Being Drunk

Starkle, starkle little twink,
who da hell you are i think.
I'm not as drunk
as some thinkle peep I am.
Besides I've only had tee martoonies
and all day sober to Sunday up in.
I fool so feelish,
i don't know whos me yet,
but the drunker I sit here,
the longer I get.

Geography

GEOGRAPHY OF A WOMAN

Between 18 and 22, a woman is like Africa; half discovered, half wild, naturally beautiful with fertile soil.

Between 23 and 30, a woman is like America; well developed and open to trade, especially for someone with cash.

Between 31 and 35, a woman is like India; very hot, relaxed and convinced of her own beauty.

Between 36 and 40, a woman is like France; gently aging but still warm, and a desirable place to visit.

Between 41 and 50, a woman is like Great Britain; with a glorious and all conquering past.

Between 51 and 60, a woman is like Yugoslavia; lost the war and haunted by past mistakes.

Between 61 and 70, a woman is like Russia; very wide, and borders are now un-patrolled.

After 70, she becomes Tibet. Wildly beautiful, with a mysterious past and the wisdom of the ages.... only those with an adventurous spirit and a thirst for spiritual knowledge visit there.

GEOGRAPHY OF A MAN
Between 1 and 70, a man is like Iran - ruled by a dick

Unlikely marriages

1. If Kitty Carlisle married Conway Twitty, she'd be Kitty Twitty.

2. If Yoko Ono married Sonny Bono, she'd be Yoko Ono Bono.

3. If Dolly Parton married Salvador Dali, she'd be Dolly Dali.

4. If Bo Derek married Don Ho, she'd be Bo Ho.

5. If Olivia Newton-John married Wayne Newton, then divorced him to marry Elton John, she'd be Olivia Newton-John Newton John.

6. If Sondra Locke married Elliott Ness, then divorced him to marry Herman Munster, she'd become Sondra Locke Ness Munster.

7. If Bea Arthur married Sting, she'd be Bea Sting.

8. If Snoop Doggy Dogg married Winnie the Pooh, he'd be Snoop Doggy Dogg Pooh.

9. How about a baseball marriage? If Boog Powell married Felipe Alou, he'd be Boog Alou.

10. If Woody Allen married Natalie Wood, divorced her and married Gregory Peck, divorced him and married Ben Hur, he'd be Woody Wood Peck Hur.

Excerpts from the diary of a blonde

January - Took new scarf back to store because it was too tight.
February - Fired from pharmacy job for failing to print labels ....Helllooo!!! .... bottles won't fit in typewriter!!!
March - Got really excited.....finished jigsaw puzzle in 6 months.....box said "2-4 years!"
April - Trapped on the Macy’s escalator for hours after the power went out!!
May - Tried to make Kool-Aid.....wrong instructions.....8 cups of water won't fit into those little packets!!!
June - Tried to go water skiing.....couldn't find a lake with a slope.
July -Lost breast stroke swimming competition ...... learned later, the other swimmers cheated, they used their arms!!!
August - Got locked out of my car in rain storm .....car swamped because soft-top was open.
September - The capital of California is "C".....isn't it???
October - Hate M&M's.....they are so hard to peel.
November - Baked turkey for 4 1/2 days.....instructions said 1 hour per pound and I weigh 108!!!
December - Couldn't call 911....."duh".....there's no "eleven" button on the stupid phone!!!
What a year!!