At the end of time, everybody was waiting to enter Paradise.
God appeared and said, "I want the men to make two lines -- one line for the men who were true heads of their household, and the other line for the men who were dominated by their wife.
I want all the women to report to St. Peter."
Soon, the women were gone and there were two lines of men.
The line of men who were dominated by their wives, was 100 miles long and in the line of men who truly were "heads of their household", there was only one man.
God spoke, "You men should be ashamed of yourselves.
I created you to be the head of your household!
You have been disobedient and have not fulfilled your purpose!
Of all of you, only one obeyed.
Learn from him."
God turned to the one man,
"How did you manage to be the only one in this line?"
The man replied, "I don't know. My wife told me to stand here."
Wednesday, December 13, 2006
Thursday, December 07, 2006
Wednesday, December 06, 2006
20 clever business signs
1) At an Optometrist's office:
"If you don't see what you're looking for, you've come to the right place."
2) In a Restaurant window:
"Don't stand there hungry. Come on in and get fed up."
3) In a Podiatrist's office:
"Time wounds all heels."
4) On a Plumber's Shop:
"We repair what your husband fixed."
5) On the trucks of a Plumbing Company:
"Don't sleep with a drip. Call us."
6) Pizza Shop Slogan:
"7 days without pizza makes one weak."
7) At a Tire Shop in Milwaukee:
"Invite us to your next blowout."
8) On a Plastic Surgeon's Office door:
"Hello. Can we pick your nose?"
9) At a Towing company:
"We don't charge an arm and a leg. We want tows."
10) Another Pizza shop slogan:
"Buy our pizza. We knead the dough."
11) On an Electrician's truck:
"Let us remove your shorts."
12) In a Nonsmoking Area:
"If we see smoke, we will assume you are on fire and put you out."
13) On a Septic Tank Truck sign:
"We're #1 in the #2 business."
14) On a Taxidermist's window:
"We really know our stuff."
15) On a Fence:
"Salesmen welcome! Dog food is expensive."
16) At a Car Dealership:
"The best way to get back on your feet -- miss a car payment."
17) Outside a Muffler Shop:
"No appointment necessary. We hear you coming."
18) In a Veterinarian's waiting room:
"We'll be back in 5 minutes. Sit! Stay!"
19) At a New Orleans waste disposal company:
"Our business is picking up, but it still stinks."
20) At the Electric Company:
"We would be delighted if you send in your payment. However, if you don't, you will be de-Lighted."
"If you don't see what you're looking for, you've come to the right place."
2) In a Restaurant window:
"Don't stand there hungry. Come on in and get fed up."
3) In a Podiatrist's office:
"Time wounds all heels."
4) On a Plumber's Shop:
"We repair what your husband fixed."
5) On the trucks of a Plumbing Company:
"Don't sleep with a drip. Call us."
6) Pizza Shop Slogan:
"7 days without pizza makes one weak."
7) At a Tire Shop in Milwaukee:
"Invite us to your next blowout."
8) On a Plastic Surgeon's Office door:
"Hello. Can we pick your nose?"
9) At a Towing company:
"We don't charge an arm and a leg. We want tows."
10) Another Pizza shop slogan:
"Buy our pizza. We knead the dough."
11) On an Electrician's truck:
"Let us remove your shorts."
12) In a Nonsmoking Area:
"If we see smoke, we will assume you are on fire and put you out."
13) On a Septic Tank Truck sign:
"We're #1 in the #2 business."
14) On a Taxidermist's window:
"We really know our stuff."
15) On a Fence:
"Salesmen welcome! Dog food is expensive."
16) At a Car Dealership:
"The best way to get back on your feet -- miss a car payment."
17) Outside a Muffler Shop:
"No appointment necessary. We hear you coming."
18) In a Veterinarian's waiting room:
"We'll be back in 5 minutes. Sit! Stay!"
19) At a New Orleans waste disposal company:
"Our business is picking up, but it still stinks."
20) At the Electric Company:
"We would be delighted if you send in your payment. However, if you don't, you will be de-Lighted."
Perks of being over 50
1. Kidnapers are not very interested in you.
2. In a hostage situation you are likely to be released first.
3. No one expects you to run--anywhere.
4. People call at 9 pm and ask, " Did I wake you ???? "
5. People no longer view you as a hypochondriac.
6. There is nothing left to learn the hard way.
7. Things you buy now won't wear out.
8. You can eat dinner at 4 pm.
9. You can live without sex but not your glasses.
10. You get into heated arguments about pension plans.
11. You no longer think of speed limits as challenge.
12. You quit trying to hold your stomach in no matter who walks into the room.
13. You sing along with elevator music.
14. Your eyes won't get much worse.
15. Your investment in health insurance is finally beginning to pay off.
16. Your joints are more accurate meteorologists than the national weather service.
17. Your secrets are safe with your friends because they can't remember them either.
18 Your supply of brain cells is finally down to manageable size.
19. You can't remember where you got this list.
2. In a hostage situation you are likely to be released first.
3. No one expects you to run--anywhere.
4. People call at 9 pm and ask, " Did I wake you ???? "
5. People no longer view you as a hypochondriac.
6. There is nothing left to learn the hard way.
7. Things you buy now won't wear out.
8. You can eat dinner at 4 pm.
9. You can live without sex but not your glasses.
10. You get into heated arguments about pension plans.
11. You no longer think of speed limits as challenge.
12. You quit trying to hold your stomach in no matter who walks into the room.
13. You sing along with elevator music.
14. Your eyes won't get much worse.
15. Your investment in health insurance is finally beginning to pay off.
16. Your joints are more accurate meteorologists than the national weather service.
17. Your secrets are safe with your friends because they can't remember them either.
18 Your supply of brain cells is finally down to manageable size.
19. You can't remember where you got this list.
Eating tips for the holidays
1. Avoid carrot sticks. Anyone who puts carrots on a holiday buffet table knows nothing of the Christmas spirit. In fact, if you see carrots, leave immediately. Go next door, where they're serving rum balls.
2. Drink as much eggnog as you can and quickly. You can't find it any other time of year but now. So drink up! Who cares that it has 10,000 calories in every sip? It's not as if you're going to turn into an "eggnog-aholic" or something. It's a treat. Enjoy it!!!! Have one for me. Have two. It's later than you think and It's Christmas!
3. If something comes with gravy, use it. That's the whole point of gravy. Gravy does not stand-alone. Pour it on. Make a volcano out of your mashed potatoes. Fill it with gravy. Eat the volcano. Repeat.
4. As for mashed potatoes, always ask if they're made with skim milk or whole milk. If it's skim, pass. Why bother? It's like buying a sports car with an automatic transmission.
5. Do not have a snack before going to a party in an effort to control your eating. The whole point of going to a Christmas party is to eat other people's food for free. Lots of it. Hello???
6. Under no circumstances should you exercise between now and New Year's. You can do that in January when you have nothing else to do. This is the time for long naps, which you'll need after circling the buffet table while carrying a 10-pound plate of food and that vat of eggnog.
7. If you come across something really good at a buffet table, like frosted Christmas cookies in the shape and size of Santa, position yourself near them and don't budge. Have as many as you can before becoming the center of attention. They're like a beautiful pair of shoes. If you leave them behind, you're never going to see them again.
8. Same for pies. Apple, pumpkin and mincemeat - have a slice of each. Or, if you don't like mincemeat, have two apples and one pumpkin. Always have three. When else do you get to have more than one dessert?
9. Did someone mention fruitcake? Granted, it's loaded with the mandatory celebratory calories, but avoid it at all cost. I mean, have some standards.
10. One final tip: If you don't feel terrible when you leave the party or get up from the table, you haven't been paying attention. Reread tips: Start over, but hurry, January is just around the corner.
2. Drink as much eggnog as you can and quickly. You can't find it any other time of year but now. So drink up! Who cares that it has 10,000 calories in every sip? It's not as if you're going to turn into an "eggnog-aholic" or something. It's a treat. Enjoy it!!!! Have one for me. Have two. It's later than you think and It's Christmas!
3. If something comes with gravy, use it. That's the whole point of gravy. Gravy does not stand-alone. Pour it on. Make a volcano out of your mashed potatoes. Fill it with gravy. Eat the volcano. Repeat.
4. As for mashed potatoes, always ask if they're made with skim milk or whole milk. If it's skim, pass. Why bother? It's like buying a sports car with an automatic transmission.
5. Do not have a snack before going to a party in an effort to control your eating. The whole point of going to a Christmas party is to eat other people's food for free. Lots of it. Hello???
6. Under no circumstances should you exercise between now and New Year's. You can do that in January when you have nothing else to do. This is the time for long naps, which you'll need after circling the buffet table while carrying a 10-pound plate of food and that vat of eggnog.
7. If you come across something really good at a buffet table, like frosted Christmas cookies in the shape and size of Santa, position yourself near them and don't budge. Have as many as you can before becoming the center of attention. They're like a beautiful pair of shoes. If you leave them behind, you're never going to see them again.
8. Same for pies. Apple, pumpkin and mincemeat - have a slice of each. Or, if you don't like mincemeat, have two apples and one pumpkin. Always have three. When else do you get to have more than one dessert?
9. Did someone mention fruitcake? Granted, it's loaded with the mandatory celebratory calories, but avoid it at all cost. I mean, have some standards.
10. One final tip: If you don't feel terrible when you leave the party or get up from the table, you haven't been paying attention. Reread tips: Start over, but hurry, January is just around the corner.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)