Monday, October 23, 2006
Thursday, October 19, 2006
The garbage collector is NOT stealing our stuff.
I do not need to suddenly stand straight up when I'm lying under the coffee table.
I will not roll my toys behind the fridge.
I must shake the rainwater out of my fur BEFORE entering the house.
I will not eat the cats' food, before or after they eat it.
I will stop trying to find the few remaining pieces of clean carpet in the house when I am about to throw up.
I will not throw up in the car.
I will not roll on dead seagulls, fish, crabs, etc.
I will not lick my human's face after eating animal poop.
Kitty box crunchies are not food.
I will not eat any more socks and then redeposit them in the backyard after processing.
The diaper pail is not a cookie jar.
I will not chew my human's toothbrush and not tell them.
I will not chew crayons or pens, especially not the red ones, or my people will think I am hemorrhaging.
When in the car, I will not insist on having the window rolled down when it's raining outside.
We do not have a doorbell. I will not bark each time I hear one on TV.
I will not steal my Mom's underwear and dance all over the back yard with it.
The sofa is not a face towel. Neither are Mom & Dad's laps.
My head does not belong in the refrigerator.
I will not bite the officer's hand when he reaches in for Mom's driver's license and car registration.
I should not assume the patio door is open when I race outside to chase leaves.
If I put a live mouse in my food bowl, I should not expect it to stay there until I get hungry.
The guinea pig likes to sleep once in a while. I will not watch him constantly.
If I bite the cactus, it will bite back.
I will not stand on the bathroom counter, stare down the hall, and growl at nothing (especially right after my human has finished watching "The X-Files").
Television and computer screens do not exist to backlight my lovely tail.
No matter how dangly and attractive they are, my human's earrings are not cat toys.
If I play 'dead cat on the stairs' while people are trying to bring in groceries or laundry, one of these days it will really come true.
My human is capable of cooking bacon and eggs without my help.
The cat food is already dead. I do not need to kill it by swatting bits of it all over the floor.
I am a carnivore. Potted plants are not meat.
I will never be able to walk on the ceiling, and staring up the wall and screaming at it will not bring it any closer.
It is not a good idea to try to lap up the powdered creamer before it all dissolves in the boiling coffee.
The goldfish likes living in water and should be allowed to remain in its bowl.
If my human wants to share her sandwich with me, she will give me a piece. She will notice if I start eating it from the other end.
I cannot leap through closed windows to catch birds outside.
The large dog in the back yard has lived there for six years. I will not freak out every time I see it.
If I must give a present to my human's overnight guests, my toy mouse is much more socially acceptable than a live cockroach, even if it isn't as tasty.
Even though I hear voices in my head, I do not have to answer them.
Saturday, October 14, 2006
* If things get any better, I may have to hire someone to help me enjoy it
* The road is so slippery, it is slicker than otter snot
* I am busier than a telephone operator at the lemmings suicide hotline
* He is uglier than a bucket full of armpits
* Hailstones leapt from the pavement like maggots when you fry them in hot grease
The four basic types of chain letters :
Type 1 : Waste my time
Now, wasn't that fun? Hope you made a great wish :-)
But if you didn't here's what I will do. First of all, if you don't send this to 5096 people in the next 5 seconds, you will be raped by a mad goat and thrown off a high building into a pile of shit. It's true! Because THIS letter isn't like all of those fake ones, THIS one is TRUE!! Really!!
Type 2 : Poor sod
Hello and thank you for reading this. There is a starving little boy in Baklaliviatatlaglooshen who has no arms, no legs, no parents and no goats.
This little boy's life could be saved, because for every time you pass this on, a dollar will be donated to the Little Starving Legless Armless Goatless Boy in Baklaliviatatlaglooshen Fund.
Oh, and remember, we have absolutely no way of counting the emails sent, so this is a complete load of bullshit. So go on, reach out. Send this to 5 people in the next 47 seconds. Oh, and a reminder - if you accidentally send this to 4 people instead of 5, you will die instantly. Thank you!
Type 3 : Do it or else
Hi there, this chain letter has been in existence since 1897. This is how it works : Pass it on to 15 067 people in the next 7 minutes or something horrible will happen to you.
Remember, just send this to all of your loser friends and everything will be okay.
The point being? If you get some chain letter that threatens to leave you shagless or luckless for the rest of your life, delete it.
Don't piss people off by making them feel guilty about a leper in Botswana with no teeth, who's been tied to a dead elephant for 27 years and whose only saviour is the 5 cents per letter he'll receive if you forward this mail. Be brave, just say Fu*ck You!
Friday, October 13, 2006
Who has no alternative, only to put up with the brutal and cowardly conduct of the parcel of big, ugly, fat necked, wombat headed, big bellied, magpie legged, narrow hipped, splay footed sons of Irish bailiffs, or English landlords which is better known as the Victoria Police?
Wednesday, October 11, 2006
Molly put up her hand up and said, "My family went to my granddad's farm, and we all saw his pet sheep. It was fascinating."
The teacher said, "That was good, but I wanted you to use the word "fascinate, not fascinating".
Sally raised her hand. She said, "My family went to see Rock City and I was fascinated."
The teacher said, "Well, that was good Sally, but I wanted you to use the word "fascinate."
Little Johnny raised his hand. The teacher hesitated because she had been burned by Little Johnny before. She finally decided there was no way he could damage the word "fascinate", so she called on him.
Johnny said, "My aunt Gina has a sweater with ten buttons, but her tits are so big she can only fasten eight."
The teacher sat down and cried.
Peel a goat's head and put it in a pot, covering it with water. Add vegetables and spices appealing to your taste and boil it for four to twelve hours. To cure your hangover, drink the broth then crack the goat skull open and eat the brain
Stick a lemon slice in your armpit or better yet, in your ass
Beer mixed with clam juice
Two drops of tobasco on your tongue tip followed by the baby formula Pedialyte
Get two bananas and two cans of your favorite cola. Immediately after you wake up, eat a banana as fast as you can and do ten jumping jacks. Then, quickly, drink one can of cola, slamming it without stopping, followed by five more jumping jacks. Repeat with the second banana and second cola
Drink one glass of cold milk, then eat five teaspoons of ketchup and some tobasco hot sauce
Eat raw cabbage, pickled pigs feet and drink a diet cola...near a bucket...if you know what we mean
Eat a pickled sheep's eye in a glass of tomato juice
The complete list : http://thisishell.net/beer_cure.html
I think these are punishments for drinking in the first place and I think I’d just prefer the hangover!!
"Fifty years ago, 100 white men chasing one black man across a field was called the Ku Klux Klan. Today it's called the PGA Tour."
"He missed short putts because of the uproar of butterflies in the adjoining meadows."
"After all these years, it's still embarrassing for me to play on the American golf tour. Like the time I asked my caddie for a sand wedge and he came back ten minutes later with a ham on rye."
*Muriel's Way* Just suck the ice cream out of the bottom of the cone, for Pete's sake! You are probably lying on the couch with your feet up eating it, anyway!
*Martha's Way* To keep potatoes from budding, place an apple in the bag with the potatoes.
*Muriel's Way* Buy Hungry Jack mashed potato mix , keep it in the pantry for up to a year.
*Martha's Way* When a cake recipe calls for flouring the baking pan, use a bit of the dry cake mix instead and there won't be any white mess on the outside of the cake.
*Muriel's Way*Go to the bakery! They'll even decorate it for you.
*Martha's Way* If you accidentally oversalt a dish while it's still cooking, drop in a peeled potato and it will absorb the excess salt for an instant "fix-me-up."
*Muriel's Way*If you oversalt a dish while you are cooking, that's too bad.Please recite with me the real woman's motto: "I made it and you will eat it and I don't care how bad it tastes!"
*Martha's Way* Wrap celery in aluminum foil when putting in the refrigerator and it will keep for weeks.
*Muriel's Way* Celery? Never heard of it!
*Martha's Way* Cure for headaches: take a lime, cut it in half and rub it on your forehead. The throbbing will go away.
*Muriel's Way* Take a lime, mix it with tequila, chill and drink!
*Martha's Way* If you have a problem opening jars, try using latex dishwashing gloves. They give a non-slip grip that makes opening jars easy.
*Muriel's Way* Go ask that very cute neighbor if he can open it for you.
*Martha's Way* Don't throw out all that leftover wine. Freeze into ice cubes for future use in casseroles and sauces.
*Muriel's Way* Leftover wine???????????
Tuesday, October 10, 2006
The turbulence is awful, and things go from bad to worse; a wing is struck by lightning.
One woman in particular loses it. Screaming, she stands up in the front of the plane. "I'm too young to die," she wails.
Then, she yells, "Well, if I'm going to die, I want my last minutes on earth to be memorable! Is there anyone on this plane who can make me feel like a WOMAN?"
For a moment there is silence. Everyone has forgotten their own peril.
They all stare. All eyes are riveted on the desperate woman in the front of the plane.
Then, a cowboy from Baton Rouge, Louisiana stands up in the rear.He is handsome, well built, with dark brown hair and hazel eyes. He starts to walk slowly up the aisle. As he does, he unbuttons his shirt one button at a time.
No one moves. He removes his shirt. Muscles ripple across his chest.
He whispers, "Iron this....and then get me a beer."
Monday, October 09, 2006
* A day without sunshine is like ... well ... night!
* A waist is a terrible thing to mind!
* An eye for an eye ... leaves the whole world blind!
* A pessimist is never disappointed
* Atheism is a non-prophet organisation
* Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder
* Eat well, keep fit ... die anyway!
* For people who like peace and quiet - a phoneless cord!
* Gravity sucks!
* Hangover - the wrath of grapes!
Saturday, October 07, 2006
1. Men are like ...... Laxatives ...... They irritate the crap out of you.
2. Men are like...... Bananas ...... The older they get, the less firm they are.
3. Men are like ...... Weather ...... Nothing can be done to change them.
4. Men are like ....... Blenders ...... You need one, but you're not quite sure why.
5. Men are like ...... Chocolate Bars ...... Sweet, smooth, & they usually head right for your hips.
6. Men are like ...... Commercials ....... You can't believe a word they say.
7. Men are like ...... Department Stores ...... Their clothes are always 1/2 off.
8. Men are like ...... Government Bonds ...... They take soooooooo long to mature.
9. Men are like ...... Mascara ...... They usually run at the first sign of emotion.
10. Men are like ...... Popcorn ...... They satisfy you, but only for a little while.
11. Men are like ...... Snowstorms ...... You never know when they're coming, how many inches you'll get or how long it will last.
12. Men are like ...... Lava Lamps ...... Fun to look at, but not very bright.
13. Men are like ...... Parking Spots ....... All the good ones are taken, the rest are handicapped.
Friday, October 06, 2006
Bono is at a U2 concert in Glasgow when he asks the audience for some quiet.
Then in the silence, he starts to slowly clap his hands.
Holding the audience in total silence, he says into the microphone...
"Every time I clap my hands, a child in Africa dies."
A voice from near the front pierces the silence..."Well, fookin' stop it then!"
Stolen from : http://thedustycity.blogspot.com/