Wednesday, December 13, 2006

Head of the household

At the end of time, everybody was waiting to enter Paradise.

God appeared and said, "I want the men to make two lines -- one line for the men who were true heads of their household, and the other line for the men who were dominated by their wife.
I want all the women to report to St. Peter."

Soon, the women were gone and there were two lines of men.
The line of men who were dominated by their wives, was 100 miles long and in the line of men who truly were "heads of their household", there was only one man.

God spoke, "You men should be ashamed of yourselves.
I created you to be the head of your household!
You have been disobedient and have not fulfilled your purpose!
Of all of you, only one obeyed.
Learn from him."
God turned to the one man,
"How did you manage to be the only one in this line?"

The man replied, "I don't know. My wife told me to stand here."

Thursday, December 07, 2006

Wednesday, December 06, 2006

20 clever business signs

1) At an Optometrist's office:
"If you don't see what you're looking for, you've come to the right place."

2) In a Restaurant window:
"Don't stand there hungry. Come on in and get fed up."

3) In a Podiatrist's office:
"Time wounds all heels."

4) On a Plumber's Shop:
"We repair what your husband fixed."

5) On the trucks of a Plumbing Company:
"Don't sleep with a drip. Call us."

6) Pizza Shop Slogan:
"7 days without pizza makes one weak."

7) At a Tire Shop in Milwaukee:
"Invite us to your next blowout."

8) On a Plastic Surgeon's Office door:
"Hello. Can we pick your nose?"

9) At a Towing company:
"We don't charge an arm and a leg. We want tows."

10) Another Pizza shop slogan:
"Buy our pizza. We knead the dough."

11) On an Electrician's truck:
"Let us remove your shorts."

12) In a Nonsmoking Area:
"If we see smoke, we will assume you are on fire and put you out."

13) On a Septic Tank Truck sign:
"We're #1 in the #2 business."

14) On a Taxidermist's window:
"We really know our stuff."

15) On a Fence:
"Salesmen welcome! Dog food is expensive."

16) At a Car Dealership:
"The best way to get back on your feet -- miss a car payment."

17) Outside a Muffler Shop:
"No appointment necessary. We hear you coming."

18) In a Veterinarian's waiting room:
"We'll be back in 5 minutes. Sit! Stay!"

19) At a New Orleans waste disposal company:
"Our business is picking up, but it still stinks."

20) At the Electric Company:
"We would be delighted if you send in your payment. However, if you don't, you will be de-Lighted."

Perks of being over 50

1. Kidnapers are not very interested in you.

2. In a hostage situation you are likely to be released first.

3. No one expects you to run--anywhere.

4. People call at 9 pm and ask, " Did I wake you ???? "

5. People no longer view you as a hypochondriac.

6. There is nothing left to learn the hard way.

7. Things you buy now won't wear out.

8. You can eat dinner at 4 pm.

9. You can live without sex but not your glasses.

10. You get into heated arguments about pension plans.

11. You no longer think of speed limits as challenge.

12. You quit trying to hold your stomach in no matter who walks into the room.

13. You sing along with elevator music.

14. Your eyes won't get much worse.

15. Your investment in health insurance is finally beginning to pay off.

16. Your joints are more accurate meteorologists than the national weather service.

17. Your secrets are safe with your friends because they can't remember them either.

18 Your supply of brain cells is finally down to manageable size.

19. You can't remember where you got this list.

Eating tips for the holidays

1. Avoid carrot sticks. Anyone who puts carrots on a holiday buffet table knows nothing of the Christmas spirit. In fact, if you see carrots, leave immediately. Go next door, where they're serving rum balls.

2. Drink as much eggnog as you can and quickly. You can't find it any other time of year but now. So drink up! Who cares that it has 10,000 calories in every sip? It's not as if you're going to turn into an "eggnog-aholic" or something. It's a treat. Enjoy it!!!! Have one for me. Have two. It's later than you think and It's Christmas!

3. If something comes with gravy, use it. That's the whole point of gravy. Gravy does not stand-alone. Pour it on. Make a volcano out of your mashed potatoes. Fill it with gravy. Eat the volcano. Repeat.

4. As for mashed potatoes, always ask if they're made with skim milk or whole milk. If it's skim, pass. Why bother? It's like buying a sports car with an automatic transmission.

5. Do not have a snack before going to a party in an effort to control your eating. The whole point of going to a Christmas party is to eat other people's food for free. Lots of it. Hello???

6. Under no circumstances should you exercise between now and New Year's. You can do that in January when you have nothing else to do. This is the time for long naps, which you'll need after circling the buffet table while carrying a 10-pound plate of food and that vat of eggnog.

7. If you come across something really good at a buffet table, like frosted Christmas cookies in the shape and size of Santa, position yourself near them and don't budge. Have as many as you can before becoming the center of attention. They're like a beautiful pair of shoes. If you leave them behind, you're never going to see them again.

8. Same for pies. Apple, pumpkin and mincemeat - have a slice of each. Or, if you don't like mincemeat, have two apples and one pumpkin. Always have three. When else do you get to have more than one dessert?

9. Did someone mention fruitcake? Granted, it's loaded with the mandatory celebratory calories, but avoid it at all cost. I mean, have some standards.

10. One final tip: If you don't feel terrible when you leave the party or get up from the table, you haven't been paying attention. Reread tips: Start over, but hurry, January is just around the corner.

Thursday, November 30, 2006


A super calloused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis

Saturday, November 25, 2006

Revenge ....

My friend wanted a boat more than anything. His wife kept refusing, but he bought one anyway. "I'll tell you what," he told her. "In the spirit of compromise, why don't you name the boat?"
Being a good sport, she accepted. When her husband went to the dock for his maiden voyage, this is the name he saw painted on the side: "For Sale."

Tuesday, November 21, 2006

Ode to Being Drunk

Starkle, starkle little twink,
who da hell you are i think.
I'm not as drunk
as some thinkle peep I am.
Besides I've only had tee martoonies
and all day sober to Sunday up in.
I fool so feelish,
i don't know whos me yet,
but the drunker I sit here,
the longer I get.

Thursday, November 16, 2006



Between 18 and 22, a woman is like Africa; half discovered, half wild, naturally beautiful with fertile soil.

Between 23 and 30, a woman is like America; well developed and open to trade, especially for someone with cash.

Between 31 and 35, a woman is like India; very hot, relaxed and convinced of her own beauty.

Between 36 and 40, a woman is like France; gently aging but still warm, and a desirable place to visit.

Between 41 and 50, a woman is like Great Britain; with a glorious and all conquering past.

Between 51 and 60, a woman is like Yugoslavia; lost the war and haunted by past mistakes.

Between 61 and 70, a woman is like Russia; very wide, and borders are now un-patrolled.

After 70, she becomes Tibet. Wildly beautiful, with a mysterious past and the wisdom of the ages.... only those with an adventurous spirit and a thirst for spiritual knowledge visit there.

Between 1 and 70, a man is like Iran - ruled by a dick

Thursday, November 09, 2006

Unlikely marriages

1. If Kitty Carlisle married Conway Twitty, she'd be Kitty Twitty.

2. If Yoko Ono married Sonny Bono, she'd be Yoko Ono Bono.

3. If Dolly Parton married Salvador Dali, she'd be Dolly Dali.

4. If Bo Derek married Don Ho, she'd be Bo Ho.

5. If Olivia Newton-John married Wayne Newton, then divorced him to marry Elton John, she'd be Olivia Newton-John Newton John.

6. If Sondra Locke married Elliott Ness, then divorced him to marry Herman Munster, she'd become Sondra Locke Ness Munster.

7. If Bea Arthur married Sting, she'd be Bea Sting.

8. If Snoop Doggy Dogg married Winnie the Pooh, he'd be Snoop Doggy Dogg Pooh.

9. How about a baseball marriage? If Boog Powell married Felipe Alou, he'd be Boog Alou.

10. If Woody Allen married Natalie Wood, divorced her and married Gregory Peck, divorced him and married Ben Hur, he'd be Woody Wood Peck Hur.

Friday, November 03, 2006

Excerpts from the diary of a blonde

January - Took new scarf back to store because it was too tight.
February - Fired from pharmacy job for failing to print labels ....Helllooo!!! .... bottles won't fit in typewriter!!!
March - Got really excited.....finished jigsaw puzzle in 6 said "2-4 years!"
April - Trapped on the Macy’s escalator for hours after the power went out!!
May - Tried to make Kool-Aid.....wrong instructions.....8 cups of water won't fit into those little packets!!!
June - Tried to go water skiing.....couldn't find a lake with a slope.
July -Lost breast stroke swimming competition ...... learned later, the other swimmers cheated, they used their arms!!!
August - Got locked out of my car in rain storm swamped because soft-top was open.
September - The capital of California is "C".....isn't it???
October - Hate M&M's.....they are so hard to peel.
November - Baked turkey for 4 1/2 days.....instructions said 1 hour per pound and I weigh 108!!!
December - Couldn't call 911....."duh".....there's no "eleven" button on the stupid phone!!!
What a year!!

Monday, October 23, 2006

Gender Bender

Gender test

This is uncanny!Are You More Male or Female ????????
To find the Answer, look down.

Not here, Stupid. Just look DOWN !!!

Thursday, October 19, 2006

Things Dogs Should Remember ....

I will not play tug-of-war with Dad's underwear when he's on the toilet.
The garbage collector is NOT stealing our stuff.
I do not need to suddenly stand straight up when I'm lying under the coffee table.
I will not roll my toys behind the fridge.
I must shake the rainwater out of my fur BEFORE entering the house.
I will not eat the cats' food, before or after they eat it.
I will stop trying to find the few remaining pieces of clean carpet in the house when I am about to throw up.
I will not throw up in the car.
I will not roll on dead seagulls, fish, crabs, etc.
I will not lick my human's face after eating animal poop.
Kitty box crunchies are not food.
I will not eat any more socks and then redeposit them in the backyard after processing.
The diaper pail is not a cookie jar.
I will not chew my human's toothbrush and not tell them.
I will not chew crayons or pens, especially not the red ones, or my people will think I am hemorrhaging.
When in the car, I will not insist on having the window rolled down when it's raining outside.
We do not have a doorbell. I will not bark each time I hear one on TV.
I will not steal my Mom's underwear and dance all over the back yard with it.
The sofa is not a face towel. Neither are Mom & Dad's laps.
My head does not belong in the refrigerator.
I will not bite the officer's hand when he reaches in for Mom's driver's license and car registration.

Things Cats Should Remember ...

Screaming at the can of food will not make it open by itself.
I should not assume the patio door is open when I race outside to chase leaves.
If I put a live mouse in my food bowl, I should not expect it to stay there until I get hungry.
The guinea pig likes to sleep once in a while. I will not watch him constantly.
If I bite the cactus, it will bite back.
I will not stand on the bathroom counter, stare down the hall, and growl at nothing (especially right after my human has finished watching "The X-Files").
Television and computer screens do not exist to backlight my lovely tail.
No matter how dangly and attractive they are, my human's earrings are not cat toys.
If I play 'dead cat on the stairs' while people are trying to bring in groceries or laundry, one of these days it will really come true.
My human is capable of cooking bacon and eggs without my help.
The cat food is already dead. I do not need to kill it by swatting bits of it all over the floor.
I am a carnivore. Potted plants are not meat.
I will never be able to walk on the ceiling, and staring up the wall and screaming at it will not bring it any closer.
It is not a good idea to try to lap up the powdered creamer before it all dissolves in the boiling coffee.
The goldfish likes living in water and should be allowed to remain in its bowl.
If my human wants to share her sandwich with me, she will give me a piece. She will notice if I start eating it from the other end.
I cannot leap through closed windows to catch birds outside.
The large dog in the back yard has lived there for six years. I will not freak out every time I see it.
If I must give a present to my human's overnight guests, my toy mouse is much more socially acceptable than a live cockroach, even if it isn't as tasty.
Even though I hear voices in my head, I do not have to answer them.

Saturday, October 14, 2006

Colourful Phrases

* Well butter my butt and call me a biscuit

* If things get any better, I may have to hire someone to help me enjoy it

* The road is so slippery, it is slicker than otter snot

* I am busier than a telephone operator at the lemmings suicide hotline

* He is uglier than a bucket full of armpits

* Hailstones leapt from the pavement like maggots when you fry them in hot grease

Chain Mail Letters

Basically, this is a big FU*K YOU to all the people out there who have nothing better to do than to send me stupid chain mail forwards. Maybe the evil chain letter leprechauns will come into my apartment and sodomise me in my sleep for not continuing the chain that was started by Jesus in 5AD and was brought to this country by midget pilgrims on the Mayflower and will be in the Guinness Book of World Records for the longest continuous block of blatant stupidity. But, I say Fu*k them!

The four basic types of chain letters :
Type 1 : Waste my time

(scroll down)




Now, wasn't that fun? Hope you made a great wish :-)
But if you didn't here's what I will do. First of all, if you don't send this to 5096 people in the next 5 seconds, you will be raped by a mad goat and thrown off a high building into a pile of shit. It's true! Because THIS letter isn't like all of those fake ones, THIS one is TRUE!! Really!!

Type 2 : Poor sod

Hello and thank you for reading this. There is a starving little boy in Baklaliviatatlaglooshen who has no arms, no legs, no parents and no goats.
This little boy's life could be saved, because for every time you pass this on, a dollar will be donated to the Little Starving Legless Armless Goatless Boy in Baklaliviatatlaglooshen Fund.

Oh, and remember, we have absolutely no way of counting the emails sent, so this is a complete load of bullshit. So go on, reach out. Send this to 5 people in the next 47 seconds. Oh, and a reminder - if you accidentally send this to 4 people instead of 5, you will die instantly. Thank you!

Type 3 : Do it or else

Hi there, this chain letter has been in existence since 1897. This is how it works : Pass it on to 15 067 people in the next 7 minutes or something horrible will happen to you.
Remember, just send this to all of your loser friends and everything will be okay.

The point being? If you get some chain letter that threatens to leave you shagless or luckless for the rest of your life, delete it.
Don't piss people off by making them feel guilty about a leper in Botswana with no teeth, who's been tied to a dead elephant for 27 years and whose only saviour is the 5 cents per letter he'll receive if you forward this mail. Be brave, just say Fu*ck You!

Friday, October 13, 2006

Twain and West

"Why do you sit there looking like an envelope without any address on it?"Mark Twain

"His mother should have thrown him away and kept the stork."Mae West

What Ned Kelly thought of the Victoria Police

This is what Ned Kelly said to the victorian police at his trial :

Who has no alternative, only to put up with the brutal and cowardly conduct of the parcel of big, ugly, fat necked, wombat headed, big bellied, magpie legged, narrow hipped, splay footed sons of Irish bailiffs, or English landlords which is better known as the Victoria Police?

Wednesday, October 11, 2006


A teacher asked her class to make a sentence using the word "fascinate".

Molly put up her hand up and said, "My family went to my granddad's farm, and we all saw his pet sheep. It was fascinating."

The teacher said, "That was good, but I wanted you to use the word "fascinate, not fascinating".

Sally raised her hand. She said, "My family went to see Rock City and I was fascinated."

The teacher said, "Well, that was good Sally, but I wanted you to use the word "fascinate."

Little Johnny raised his hand. The teacher hesitated because she had been burned by Little Johnny before. She finally decided there was no way he could damage the word "fascinate", so she called on him.

Johnny said, "My aunt Gina has a sweater with ten buttons, but her tits are so big she can only fasten eight."

The teacher sat down and cried.

Hangover cures ...

Here are just a few from the list….

Peel a goat's head and put it in a pot, covering it with water. Add vegetables and spices appealing to your taste and boil it for four to twelve hours. To cure your hangover, drink the broth then crack the goat skull open and eat the brain

Stick a lemon slice in your armpit or ­ better yet, ­ in your ass

Beer mixed with clam juice

Two drops of tobasco on your tongue tip followed by the baby formula Pedialyte

Get two bananas and two cans of your favorite cola. Immediately after you wake up, eat a banana as fast as you can and do ten jumping jacks. Then, quickly, drink one can of cola, slamming it without stopping, followed by five more jumping jacks. Repeat with the second banana and second cola

Drink one glass of cold milk, then eat five teaspoons of ketchup and some tobasco hot sauce

Eat raw cabbage, pickled pigs feet and drink a diet cola...near a bucket...if you know what we mean

Eat a pickled sheep's eye in a glass of tomato juice
The complete list :

I think these are punishments for drinking in the first place and I think I’d just prefer the hangover!!

Ah ...Golf - the gentleman's game!!

"The people who gave us golf and called it a game are the same people who gave us bagpipes and called it music."

"Fifty years ago, 100 white men chasing one black man across a field was called the Ku Klux Klan. Today it's called the PGA Tour."

"He missed short putts because of the uproar of butterflies in the adjoining meadows."

"After all these years, it's still embarrassing for me to play on the American golf tour. Like the time I asked my caddie for a sand wedge and he came back ten minutes later with a ham on rye."

Disabled parking sign

Right Feet

When I told my daughter that she had her shoes on the wrong feet,
she replied : "No Mommy, these ARE my feet!"

Martha's Way vs Muriel's Way

*Martha's Way* Stuff a miniature marshmallow in the bottom of a sugar cone to prevent ice cream drips.
*Muriel's Way* Just suck the ice cream out of the bottom of the cone, for Pete's sake! You are probably lying on the couch with your feet up eating it, anyway!

*Martha's Way* To keep potatoes from budding, place an apple in the bag with the potatoes.
*Muriel's Way* Buy Hungry Jack mashed potato mix , keep it in the pantry for up to a year.

*Martha's Way* When a cake recipe calls for flouring the baking pan, use a bit of the dry cake mix instead and there won't be any white mess on the outside of the cake.
*Muriel's Way*Go to the bakery! They'll even decorate it for you.

*Martha's Way* If you accidentally oversalt a dish while it's still cooking, drop in a peeled potato and it will absorb the excess salt for an instant "fix-me-up."
*Muriel's Way*If you oversalt a dish while you are cooking, that's too bad.Please recite with me the real woman's motto: "I made it and you will eat it and I don't care how bad it tastes!"

*Martha's Way* Wrap celery in aluminum foil when putting in the refrigerator and it will keep for weeks.
*Muriel's Way* Celery? Never heard of it!

*Martha's Way* Cure for headaches: take a lime, cut it in half and rub it on your forehead. The throbbing will go away.
*Muriel's Way* Take a lime, mix it with tequila, chill and drink!

*Martha's Way* If you have a problem opening jars, try using latex dishwashing gloves. They give a non-slip grip that makes opening jars easy.
*Muriel's Way* Go ask that very cute neighbor if he can open it for you.

*Martha's Way* Don't throw out all that leftover wine. Freeze into ice cubes for future use in casseroles and sauces.
*Muriel's Way* Leftover wine???????????

Tuesday, October 10, 2006

Man, I feel like a woman ...

On a transatlantic flight, a plane passes through a severe storm.
The turbulence is awful, and things go from bad to worse; a wing is struck by lightning.
One woman in particular loses it. Screaming, she stands up in the front of the plane. "I'm too young to die," she wails.
Then, she yells, "Well, if I'm going to die, I want my last minutes on earth to be memorable! Is there anyone on this plane who can make me feel like a WOMAN?"
For a moment there is silence. Everyone has forgotten their own peril.
They all stare. All eyes are riveted on the desperate woman in the front of the plane.
Then, a cowboy from Baton Rouge, Louisiana stands up in the rear.He is handsome, well built, with dark brown hair and hazel eyes. He starts to walk slowly up the aisle. As he does, he unbuttons his shirt one button at a time.
No one moves. He removes his shirt. Muscles ripple across his chest.
She gasps.
He whispers, "Iron this....and then get me a beer."

You're next ...

How to stop people from bugging you about getting married :

Old aunts used to come up to me at weddings, poking me in the ribs and cackling, telling me, "You're next." They stopped after I started doing the same thing to them at funerals.

Go Granny !!

How many times have I wished I had said this ....

Monday, October 09, 2006

Bummer stickers ...

* A hundred thousand sperm and YOU were the fastest?

* A day without sunshine is like ... well ... night!

* A waist is a terrible thing to mind!

* An eye for an eye ... leaves the whole world blind!

* A pessimist is never disappointed

* Atheism is a non-prophet organisation

* Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder

* Eat well, keep fit ... die anyway!

* For people who like peace and quiet - a phoneless cord!

* Gravity sucks!

* Hangover - the wrath of grapes!

To get anywhere …

To get anywhere in this world
You must
Pull UP your SOCKS
Pull DOWN your PANTIES!!

Sunday, October 08, 2006

Saturday, October 07, 2006

Men are like ...

Men are like....
1. Men are like ...... Laxatives ...... They irritate the crap out of you.
2. Men are like...... Bananas ...... The older they get, the less firm they are.
3. Men are like ...... Weather ...... Nothing can be done to change them.
4. Men are like ....... Blenders ...... You need one, but you're not quite sure why.
5. Men are like ...... Chocolate Bars ...... Sweet, smooth, & they usually head right for your hips.
6. Men are like ...... Commercials ....... You can't believe a word they say.
7. Men are like ...... Department Stores ...... Their clothes are always 1/2 off.
8. Men are like ...... Government Bonds ...... They take soooooooo long to mature.
9. Men are like ...... Mascara ...... They usually run at the first sign of emotion.
10. Men are like ...... Popcorn ...... They satisfy you, but only for a little while.
11. Men are like ...... Snowstorms ...... You never know when they're coming, how many inches you'll get or how long it will last.
12. Men are like ...... Lava Lamps ...... Fun to look at, but not very bright.
13. Men are like ...... Parking Spots ....... All the good ones are taken, the rest are handicapped.

Friday, October 06, 2006

Stop clapping ...

It could only happen in Glasgow...
Bono is at a U2 concert in Glasgow when he asks the audience for some quiet.
Then in the silence, he starts to slowly clap his hands.
Holding the audience in total silence, he says into the microphone...
"Every time I clap my hands, a child in Africa dies."
A voice from near the front pierces the silence..."Well, fookin' stop it then!"
Stolen from :

Thursday, October 05, 2006

I wish I had said that ..... oh wait, I DID say it!!

How many times have you seen an article or comment and thought :
"I wish I had said that!"
Well, these are some things I wish I had said -
and because someone else said them before I did,
I will do them the great honour of quoting them on this site
so millions (!!) of people can read what they did say and
what I wish I had said .....!!