"The people who gave us golf and called it a game are the same people who gave us bagpipes and called it music."
"Fifty years ago, 100 white men chasing one black man across a field was called the Ku Klux Klan. Today it's called the PGA Tour."
"He missed short putts because of the uproar of butterflies in the adjoining meadows."
"After all these years, it's still embarrassing for me to play on the American golf tour. Like the time I asked my caddie for a sand wedge and he came back ten minutes later with a ham on rye."